Reasons why I haven't been writing:1) it feels more like a chore than a hobby, 2)work and school has my time more than anything, and 3)I just hate how my life is right now. I know, those are lame excuses. However, I feel the only content I have to offer is negative and depressing. It is like I am numb to life. I have no feeling whatsoever. I have not "lived" since I've entered high school. I hate that other people are happy and I am not. I just hate more than I like right now. I am tired of hearing things like, "Everything is going to be okay". "Just keep going". "You're not missing anything". I hate to be so cynical (see the hate there?), but I am not feeling so hopeful. I feel...over it. BEYOND over it. I do not even care about school anymore, given that I would probably burn the whole university down for what it has put me through had I different morals. I now understand why people "lose their mental". It's the pressure. Loss of feeling and life. Not saying I will actually go to a mall and shoot up the place, but I will give everyone the Stare Of Death, or even the Silence of Evil. Cheesy, I know. At least I am writing.
Watching Golden Girls makes me feel a little better. Cartoons and a bowl of ice cream are a go-to as well. However, outside of that, what else is there? And I can not help but to think that I am nobody. I have always been someone of little status. Someone once told me that I matter when it counts, and that should be enough. However, it is not. I hate not being seen at all. Why can't I get a little attention at least once in a while? I also see myself attracting men I would never consider dating. One would tell me that in a way, I am attracting people who are like me, and I would disagree. However, I would say that I am attracting people who I feel are the only ones who would consider dating me. And it has nothing to do with looks. It is just that men know I am very nice and considerate, and they probably mistake that for interest in something other than just being a nice person. I never gave off that feeling of interest, but it seems as though I have or they probably don't care if I had or not. I always hear things like "You're different". " I like how nice you are. You're not like these other girls." That's all nice and whatever, but just because I am your ideal girl, does not mean that I am obligated to date you. Let me be the one to decide. Don't tell me I am missing out on a good man when you have yet to show what makes you a good man. If you're all talk, that is not enough. You can say you would take me places, do things for me, etc. But I want to see what you have to offer long-term. I want to be inspired by a man. Driven by a man (not via auto, but by his ambition). I want him to make me want to experience life differently. I want him to love me while I work on myself (basically, I want him to accept my flaws). So to all the men out there, Don't just run your mouth. Like the old saying goes, "An empty wagon makes a lot of noise" (it was a wagon, right?). Show me. You say you're a physical being. Well, in this case, so am I.